Roots

Don't fight it, don't try to distract your mind into something else. Don't go to see a movie because you are feeling very sad. Don't try to repress your feeling. It is a great opportunity for meditation.
Just watch from where the anger arises. Just go to the very roots. Just go to the very roots from where the sadness is coming -- and the greatest surprise is that it doesn't have any roots. So when you look for the roots, by that time your emotions start disappearing seeing that, "This man is strange -- he is looking for the roots!" And those afflictions, emotions, sentiments, feelings -- none of them have any roots. They are just clouds, without any roots, surrounding your mind.

So, if you start looking for roots, your emotions start dispersing -- "This is not the right man, he is not going to be affected by us. He is a little strange; here we are, and he is looking for the roots!"
Rather than being sad, rather than being angry, rather than being miserable -- search for the roots! Every sentiment, every emotion, every feeling will disappear if you look for the roots. If your awareness goes that deep in search, then the emotion will be gone, and the sky of your inner being will be absolutely clear and clean.

The Way

Why does the Master Monk remain unshaken when an earthquake killed thousand of people. While a flower petal flutter in the wind, he shred a tear?

Doi` - Life

cuo.c doi` nhu la` ca't bui. bay bo vo
cho de^n khi mo.t nga`y nao` do' bi. uot
boi? vi` ai do' la`m mi`nh ca~m do.ng
sao do' minh moi' bie't nha` la` dau

*translate*

Life is like sand in the wind... blowing, scatter
till one day it get wet, by tears
due to compassion & understanding of some one
then home is found

game

What is Important game. play this game to understand values

Belief - Value & Action conflict

no conflict = Integrity
conflict = lose trust

Integrity = harmonize in self-acceptance, otherwise, punish from conscience

Affirmation

* I am safe
* My heart is filled with joy
* I am loved
* I am healthy
* I am strong
* I can do anything
* I am powerful
* Riches flow into my life
* I am in control
* My life is full of meaning and pleasure
* I feel joyful now
* My body heals itself
* I know what I want
* I am free of dependency
* I am a winner
* Riches flow into my life
* I am in harmony
* I am at peace
* I am strong and secure
* I create the life that I want
* I feel joyful now
* I am beautiful
* I achieve my highest goals
* I am divinely guided

* Rivers of riches are flowing to me
* I create my own reality
* I create what I want
* I want joy and expansion
* I create joyous relationships
* I create joyous abundance
* I create joyous health
* I create joyous safety
* I create joyous love
* I create joyous fun
* I create joyous comfort
* I create joyous work
* I create joyous thoughts
* I create joyous creation
* I create joyous life
* I use my power wisely and well
* I do what feels right
* I have everything I truly want
* In my own way I am a genius

* I love myself
* I receive everything I need
* I am unique and special
* I am free
* Today I expect the best
* All is well
* What I desire is already mine
* I create miracles
* I trust in myself
* Money is flowing abundantly into my life
* I deserve the very best in life
* I am a beautiful perfect spirit
* I am the master of my life
* I am now attracting everything I need
* I expect pleasure and satisfaction
* I choose life
* It is safe for me to be powerful
* I forgive myself completely
* There is enough of everything for everybody

* I love life
* I am a wonderful person
* I am now in perfect health
* I honour my self
* My life is unlimited
* I am naturally enlightened
* I am the master of my life
* I love doing my work
* It's OK for me to have everything I want
* I am relaxed and centered
* Abundance is my true state of being
* I am now prosperous and happy
* I am rich, well, and happy
* I am beautiful and lovable
* I am talented, intelligent and creative
* I deserve the very best in life
* I love the world and the world loves me

* I don't have to try to please anyone else
* I am free and healthy
* I love myself completely as I am
* I am glad I was born
* I love being alive
* I love myself
* I am good and I do good things
* The world is a beautiful place to be
* I love it the way it is
* I love myself the way I am
* There is no opposition
* It is easy to control my existence
* I forgive myself
* I intend joyous survival
* I am free

Ken 2.0

Version 2.0
new and improve
I am happy with myself
Forgive myself for dragging on the negativity
Thankful for always being there.
My heart is now open and let go of all the hindrance
I will live with the principle of Truth, Loyal, Respect, Trust, Love, Understanding and Compassion.

I am Happy! Excited! and Free!

Immeasurable sadness had taken a hold of my heart today, I really miss her so, yet I don't know what to do. Heaven please give me a sign, my soul is heavy.
I just know that everything will be ok if I could see her smile.

How do I see u again?

Nothing

Wanting Nothing
is still wanting something
which is Nothing.

Getting Nothing
takes knowing something-
that only when wanting is forgotten
is nothing realized.

Forgetting Nothing
is remembering that
there is nothing left to get.

Thus, having Nothing
is wanting everything-
while remembering
it is already yours.

lost

I can’t see where I’m going,
It’s like trying to fight fog.
I’m angry, hurt, frustrated
That no-one can see me.
The fog turns into a dark, heavy cloud,
Which locks my soul in shadow.
I can feel my hope twist and wrench,
But I’m suffocating on this blackness.
It fills my lungs, my nostrils,
My ears and eyes-
I can’t see or sense anything else,
But this black, paralysing fear of failure.

Why can no-one see me?
I shine so bright,
But the smog of others’ talents
Cloud my own,
Reminding me that I am no-one.
Life was beauty,
And I was polished till I sparkled.
But now I am tainted by dirt
Before I’ve even begun my descent,
As I scrabble and fight like an animal
For scraps of an un-life,
For which I’m apparently not good enough.

I want to tear at my hair and flesh,
Breaking my nails.
I want to press my face into the earth
And scream with rage
At a subconscious god who won’t listen,
Because I’m not important enough to save.

I am lost in a sandstorm of self-pity,
Which wears away at my strength and will.
I no longer want to stop
This relentless, merciless blackness.
The world is spinning, swirling, darkening,
But I won’t grasp onto anything
To stop myself from falling
Into the blackness,
Into nothingness.

How can u get very far
If u don't know where u are?
How can u do what u ought
If u don't know what u got?
And if u don't know which to do
Of all the thing in front of you
Then what you'll have when you are through
Is just a mess without a clue
Of all the best that can come true
If you know what and which and who.

What is opportunity?

is it something we make it happen? or is it out of our control?

they said, opportunity only come once
Does that mean there is no redemption?
I'm so confused in this matter.

I guess its all boiled down into what you believe, all that's matter.

my word of wisdom

if things don't go u'r way.. its either, u'r not letting go. or u'r not accepting it.
and u get frustrated.

However, if commitment is the case, then u just have to work hard, work smart, and be happy that you have found it. Carry on.

Men & woman

90% are from self fulfilling happiness, your partner helps 10%

1) Emergency man
2) Learn how to listen, woman learn how to communicate
3) how to be romance for men, men know only passion
4) Express openness, encourage selfishness acceptance, Men loves sacrifice
5)


romance = (biggest for woman) know what i need, even when I don't know them, without asking.
Sacrifice = (men biggest testosterone)Sacrifice then get appreciates reward

renew my self

Every day wake up asking 3 questions. Is it fun? is it easy? Am I getting result?

when in touch with my soul, feel spontaneously joy, compassion, & kind

access unlimited imagination & creativity

State of grace, synchronicity

Recognize part of intention is, subtle action & intention


When you stop judging, you'll find silence, And that is when healing occurs

every thoughts is either a memory or a desire

addiction = hang on to pain or pleasure

Immune to criticism & flattery, but pay close attention to family & wife & children

Fall 2010

class 7:30-10:30
working 12-9 monday to saturday

This new job I found myself improving in
Images
attitude
communication skills
Corporate environment
Team building
Time management
applied what I learn in class.

The future is bright, Opportunities are out there, I will get it if I put my mind to it.

Strategy of War

Depend on u'r own arms-
Being unconquerable lies within u'r self
Wisdom of Athena
Tactical vs strategic - Elevate above battlefield, Overall goal in mind.
When to fight, when to walk away
Spiritualize u'r battle - Biggest battle is the one with yourself.

Event on life are useless if u don't reflect on u'r life

1) Self directed warfare
Mind- starting point of all
a) aware weakness, illness of the mind
b) declare war on u'r self make u move forward
c) brute-less war within u'r self
- Need clarity, ID enemy then declare war. Fill u with purpose & direction
- Never naive, no compromise, no middle ground.
- Focus on an enemy, they're the polar star guide u
- make u'r troops clear & motivated
- Never lay down arms, provoke tension & arguments
- No one is impartial, force them take side
- Avoid temptation to ask, react, turn blind eye, go along...then when its at adv. take action
- Enemies brings gifts, goal, targets
- A tough opponent bring best out of you.
- Being attacked, at last someone to let lose u'r aggression
- Polarize your troops against u'r enemies as much as possible
- Victory is goal, not fairness or balance
- Clarity u want, not paranoia
- Master polarize, draw a line different between u and enemies. then step back
- Bring u down, the past
- Actively wage war against the past,
- Wage guerrilla war against u'r mind.
- Past success is the biggest obstacle
- More books, theory, thinking only making things worse
- Understand, focus on the present moment.

Exerp from "Meet Joe Black"

Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heels. I say find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I'm not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love - well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived.

-Bill


Joe Black: I don't care Bill. I love her.
William Parrish: How perfect for you - to take whatever you want because it pleases you. That's not love.
Joe Black: Then what is it?
William Parrish: Some aimless infatuation which, for the moment, you feel like indulging - it's missing everything that matters.
Joe Black: Which is what?
William Parrish: Trust, responsibility, taking the weight for your choices and feelings, and spending the rest of your life living up to them. And above all, not hurting the object of your love.
Joe Black: So that's what love is according to William Parrish?
William Parrish: Multiply it by infinity, and take it to the depth of forever, and you will still have barely a glimpse of what I'm talking about.

Broken pieces

Burning Tree - Represent all the nurturing & caring have gone up in flame. There will be no more fruit of the future to look forward to.

The man - Holding broken pieces of his face and his heart, while showed complete empty on the inside.

The woman - Turned away, in a expression of sad & discomfort.


After looking at this piece of work for 15 minutes I still cannot capture all the emotions that I can relate with.. wow.

Top 5 things about me

The Bad

#1 Not follow through.
#2 Bashful
#3 Scatter mind
#4 Bad remembering names
#5 Disorganize

and The Good
#1 Honest
#2 Positive attitude
#3 Creative
#4 Don't prejudge
#5 Makes others feels good about themselves

Pain

“Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever.” – Lance Armstrong.

Thanks Lance, u'r words inspired me.

Dear Phan

I truly love you,
I should never enter your life, never bother you, cannot let you stupefied by love thus bewilder, let you exercise free will, and fulfill your wishes. Let you be free forever, and achieve your dream free from care. Let you guided by the light of truth and accomplish your own goals.
If I really love you,
I have to let go.

-------
I've promised to stop loving you, but I haven't made that promise to myself. We were clearly in love, yet had to accept separation. Being apart, I am left with only the right to miss you. Although, we agreed to not look back, yet I keep remembering you. It's my heart that has yet to agree to let you go.

I am really sorry, Though I've promise you...to not love you anymore...

Bless or omen?

This freedom of information world where social life and personal information is available to view by anyone. In this case, the person who I love is no longer want to be with me. My love and caring for her still remained. Is it wrong to look at her social life? I know it bothering to her that I would check up on her to see how's she's doing. Where does the line draw between caring for someone and invading their personal space? I don't make judgement on see'n her happy enjoying the moments. I actually feels glad that she's happy. Though it does bothering me to see other guys chasing her. This jealousy is what made me human. And its hurt me greatly to know that I love her so much and she would not return her love. Silly me, silly love, like a child, I am so selfish.

All my happiness moment, all my sadness, how I am doing, I still shares with her. Always welcome with open arm. Yet she remained close, not sharing a thing with me. Is it because she had drawn a line so that she cannot hurt me anymore by caring for me? Is this her way of telling me she still love me? She know that she had hurt me a lot, and don't want to hurt me any more by not expressing her joy and sorrow? Yet I wish she do so....

This thing, this love...I can no longer say its good or bad. All I known is that I still want to be a part of her life. This gives me hope, and a chance of believing that if I waited out long enough, always be there, always supporting her in whatever choice, some day she'll feels for what I've done and maybe see that I am the diamond that she's looking for always with her. While she collecting rocks, one that she does not have.

Sometime I wonder if in previous life she had love me like the way I do, and this is my repent for all that she had done for me in my past life. What ever it is, its beyond my control. I do my best to be as comfortable as possible whenever I am near her. But my heart keep beating so fast, screaming out for her that she felt unease.

Why do I keep pushing her away with my love? Is it because of my "want" is it too much for a boy to ask a girl to love him?
I know i've messed up so many chances she had given me, yet I kept ask for more and more and still I could not make it perfect. Each time doing so I hurt us more. She given me hope, that I can be a better person, a more loving person. She given me strength co conquer all pain. This pain I must learn to be happy with, because there will be more and more. I don't want to collapse now and give up, because each time I do so, my heart bleed and get stronger. Someday I want to shows her my true strong heart that could never get hurt. Its will be filled with trust for all the time she cause doubt and I still bear through it. Hope for all the time when all lights goes out. Faithfulness for all the time she been with other people. And understanding, for many times she made me confused in our relationship.

With each cuts and bruise, I will heal. Devoted my life to worship a goddess that forever hold my heart. Let everything I do be forgiving in the final day where I am being judge. For they are done out of love.

Right now things may appear beyond repair, beyond words can reach her. However, I believe in the goodness of every bad thing. So I am thanksful for this insecure, lonely, bitterness, and heartache. Let my clouds of doubt and fear be vanish. I pray each day so that my thoughts and feelings reach her heart. I wish she be the person that's happy with herself. Chasing her dream, and have many friends supporting her.

All in all, just thinks of me when u feel sadness or happiness, for my thoughts always wish to be near you.

I've been thinking....

When we’re apart whatever are you thinking of?
If this is what I call home, why does it feel so alone?
**home referring to the aftermath of broken relationship, trying to move on and survive but always feeling not at home and alone.


How did this love become just a tale, one speech among tormented speeches? I can't forget you: you seduced me with your delicate mouth; with your hand, like a hand held out to drowning a man; and with light like that which comforts a traveler (where has that light in your eyes gone?).

Still Alive (Mirror's Edge) Music Video

Committment

Promises, hopes and dreams are like wind. But commitment is what solidify it into reality. So, no matter how long it take, how many time I may fall down, even if my body is weaken, my spirit will carry on. Even if this lifetime I don't accomplish what I've committed, I'll reborn and continue as much life time it take till get it right.

Against all odds

Even if the heavens were burning away,
I can see a dream
that my heart will not give up on.
No doubt how far I have to go,
or how many times I have to stop,
I want to believe in myself.
and continue carrying this light.

Desert

I walked, feet aching
Melting in the fierce rays of the sun
I kept walking for thousands of days
Through the freezing cold darkness

Throughout my long journey
My eyes rusted over and my chest grew thinner

(The paradise) that I threw it all away to go to
Is a mirage that loomed above the sea of sand
A dream that slips through my dry hands

Dear diary

Today I woke up feeling mighty happy, take shower and head to work right away and do what must be done. Then plan for what need to be done. Then when I took a break I decided to go on Facebook to see what's new and notice Phan was online. So I talk with her a bit. Then I learned that she needed a job application. A perfect opportunity for me to see her. I was really happy to see her for a few seconds. Though she looks more beautiful than I could ever imagine in all my dream. I wish I had more time to spend with her but there's just so many things going on. Like I need to run right away to make errant. Also even if there isn't any errant, I still don't know what to say to her or how to act in front of her at that moment. It felt as if I was a kid facing the girl I really like and was completely nervous and tingling inside. Anyway, after that I went back to work. At 10:30pm when I was free, I wanted to talk with her. We talk not deep stuff, just catching up and then she told me she had to hang up because her friend was calling her on the other line. This was at 11pm. It made me really sad because I couldn't call her after 11pm. And someone else can call her late at night :( Suddenly I feels jealous. I am usually do not get jealous so easily but somehow with her I don't feel special anymore :( But I respect her honesty for telling me someone was on the other line calling her. Its something that I want our relationship to based on, Honesty. But its really hurts, still I wish that, And I should man up and bear that pain of honesty.

Right now on my mind is that how much more can I take before I break? Sometime its just really hard when you are believe in something alone. Especially in our relationship. How I deal with those loneliness and loveless is to look back in our happy time then draw strength from it to carry on. The way she walk, the way she talk, the way she smiles and the way she get mad still linger on my mind. I am truly miss her.

Sometime I just wish we can just ignore everything and run away to live together. Forget all the yesterday sadness and the worries of tomorrow. Simply go where the wind take us and be together knowing nothing can stop us. I know, I am a dreamer. Those thing don't work in reality. But that's what keep me alive and thriving for a better future.

Since I met her, I felt as if my life had filled with fresh air and sunlight. I don't know if I ever can live my life without it. Its sound as if I am really needy or want her badly. How uncool and desperate, but I've learn to admit my own feeling by following the path of honesty. I believe if you are honest, then u'r doomed to live alone. That is my fear. But love is the force that will overcome that. Hence I believe in our love. Even when my heart had bleed for so long, maybe I'm just a fool who believe in things that don't exist in this world. The unattainable is always alluring for everyone to dream and hope about. That's why so many books, music and movies are about love....I just love her.

eyes of the storm

today 2-3 weeks away from final. How calm of a day it is but I can feel it, a big storm about to come. So I must get ready, and this is my secret of getting through such a difficult time. In the past, I would feels what's coming and getting so ready before it happen. That when it does happen I wasn't scare and enjoys what's coming.

Well, time to get productive today. I still miss her.

New nephew

my sister in law just found out she got a baby
wow. no wonder she's so quiet today. now i have another young one. yey!
I must get my act together so that when they're grow up I can spoil the heck out of them hahahaha :)

other than that, its been more than two week I had a delight conversation with Phan. I now understand myself better after exploring to the depth of my "other side" I am done. Now i'll walk on the path of grace and finesse.

well.. happy :) too happy that she called me back :)

self remind

With no attachments,
a pure heart as your guide
and a clear mind as your navigation device -

surely the journey is the destination!

Tech Management

"missing a class = stepping on the banana peel."

Engineering-

Management- Come from the Latin word (Manageir), means handling, training, controlling etc. it was used to mean training horses.

-Ketz, defines the Skills a manager needs as Technical, Interpersonal, Conceptual (TIC)

-Mertzbdrger, define the Roles a manager play as informational, interpersonal, and decisional

-Fyole defines functions of Management as Planning, Organizing, Leading, Controlling.

Fantasy

Fantasy -
You are in your room asleep when you awake and sense that
someone is there. Suddenly you feel the sheets sliding off your body.
Fear grips you but you are too paralyzed to cry out. you feel a hand
softly caress your shoulders and lightly, feather-like, touch ease down
on to your breasts.

You are afraid but at the same time you feel something stirring inside
you. The hand just brushes your nipple and you catch your breath. You
feel your nipples swelling and your lips part with an uncontrollable
soft moan. You feel the hands softly slide across your stomach...down
between your legs which automatically part.

For a moment you have pangs of fear but then just as quickly the fear
fades as a finger gently parts the swollen lips of your now moist
pussy. You arch your back to force yourself against my hand as my
fingers slide up to massage your clitoris. Your stomach tightens and
your breathing begins to quicken. Suddenly everything stops.

Then you feel two hands slide around your hips and onto your stomach.
You feel the slight stubble of my cheeks on the inside of your thighs.
My hot breath on your pussy. Then my tongue parts the lips of your now
wet pussy. My tongue thrusts deep inside you as you arch your back in
ecstasy. My tongue slides up on your clit as your moans increase. Your
thighs tighten as you feel a stirring deep inside you. Your hands reach
down and grab my hair. Clutching it tightly as you begin to feel an
explosion start to form. My hands slide up to caress your nipples
sending quivers of pleasures through your body.

Then everything stops. You lay there panting...wondering what is
happening when you feel yourself being turned over on your knees. You
willingly put your ass in the air expectantly when you feel my head
sliding between you knees.

Trembling you lower your now wet pussy onto my face as my tongue begins
to lick you from your clit to your entrance. Your clit is rock hard
when my lips lock onto it sucking it gently. You feel a finger slide
into you as your clit is being sucked and your knees begin to tremble.
My finger glides up and gently slides into your ass, causing you to
gasp.

The waves of pleasure washing over you are fantastic. Your thighs are
contracting as you begin to get wetter and wetter...you breath is
coming in gasps as your moans become louder. You begin to rock back on
my face shuddering, as the feeling of my probing tongue grows more
intense.

I stop and slide out from under you. Your thighs are twitching...your
face is on the bed and you are gasping for breath when you feel my
hands on your hips. You feel my cock against you and then I slide it
into the torrid depths of your leaking pussy.

A moan escapes you as you raise your head in ecstasy. I grab your hair
tightly as I begin to slide back and forth in you. You thrust yourself
back to match my rhythm as I begin to thrust myself harder and faster.
Your breath is coming in short gasps as you feel my cock begin to swell
inside you. You feel small explosions going off inside you rising to a
crescendo as your climax overtakes you. Suddenly I thrust deep inside
you and you feel me let go with my climax. A loud moan comes from you
as wave after wave of pleasure engulf your body.

I slowly come to a stop. Remaining inside of you. Every so often my cock
twitches sending a shiver of delight through you. My cock slides out of
your soaked pussy and you collapse on you bed spent.

Then you feel my lips softly kiss yours. You taste the sweet saltiness
of yourself on my lips and then I am gone.

When you awaken in the morning you feel refreshed but wonder if it was
all a dream. When you clean up you realize that it was all real. You
look in the mirror and smile to yourself wondering if your visitor will
ever return. Then you remember that you never saw his face and he never
made a sound. You lie back down and stretch and smile...drifting back
to sleep hoping your mystery lover decides to return.

Love

....My love, for being near you and with you is one in the same as if I have been engulfed by a whirlwind or a monsoon of some sort. When I look at you I can't help but wonder if you can see me in the same light or if in any light at all. How painful is the quest for love when one isn't on the same path as the beloved. They say that looking through rose colored glasses can enlighten the senses and mend the heart. I say this is true, yet when I look at you through these same colors I feel uplifted and wish that I could share this feeling with you through touch and song. You are the true object of my desire. Many have fallen in love with the idea of having you in their lives.


What I feel transcends what is known as love. Is there such an existence? Can there possibly be something bigger than love? I can attest that this is a given. To me love is used to loosely and not taken too seriously but, I can truly say that you and I were destined to experience the true form and the highest quality of this gift. To be destined is a gift in itself and when our paths crossed on that warm spring afternoon I could feel the chords of destiny intertwining endlessly attaching themselves to my heart. Being blinded by your existence was blinding and mind boggling to say the least and with this you have taken my heart over and over again. When I say "no more.", you sway me in the other direction as if I am a blade of grass and you are the wind.

Dear love, how does one endure your trials, pain and subservient manor, ups, downs in and outs? One could only hope to master the technique and bottle it for a massive amount of monetary bliss. Instead you live inside of us changing us through out for the best or into the worst and nothing can stop you once you have guided us into another's arms. You have set wars, created families and destined men to a life of misery and lives of share euphoria yet you can not be determined or controlled by anyone or anything. How does such a thing have so much power as you do? Just like with any weapon you must be handled, used and put away correctly or someone could endure the pain of not doing so.

I surrender to you wholeheartedly and do with me as you please for no man can tempt to break your enchanting spell and why would they ever want to? You connect worlds and it's dwellers as a whole and give to us hope and salvation for with out you we would be destined to a dark existence.

sunshine

Today woke up to a bright day, no so cold in the morning... My thought about my lover still linger in my mind during last night dream about being with her. Yet she's so far away. I began walking to my backyard. Patches of clover leafs spring up the whole yard. So I began to search for the four leaf clover which signified lucky. But after a while I could not find none. Thinking to myself... She love me, She loves me not, She love me. As I pick off each leaf. Suddenly I feels blissful to come to realized that thousands of clover leaf with 3 leaves telling me that She loves me. Smiles knowing that all will be okay. Or maybe its was all in my head. Anyway head off to work as usual. Take my lunch break to visit her, it was brief, small talk, we kept our distance afraid that getting too close will cause either one of us to become emotional. Try to keep on straight face as if were adult and its just a small thing. But both of us know that we must be strong, else much more pain will cause for either one of us.
After finish my glass of water, I take my leave happily thinking this is probably the end of our relationship. Oh how much I would give to be able to hug and kiss her again. My heart began to ache and bleed. But knowing that she is probably feeling the same too, maybe even more. I felt her pain, but nothing I can do to heal or make it better. If I had known I would have give up my everything to make her feel better.

you see, I'm not smart or good at relationship, always causing things that make her feels uncomfortable, I don't think I am a bad person... Maybe its just that we been together so long that our flaw began to shown only to the one we love. And at some point its become unacceptable that we began to fall into the curse of pointing out mistakes of each other. Maybe we care about that person too much that we want to change them to be the "Perfect someone". Today I had time to catch up with Kathleen whom is very dear to me. My best friend. She understand the situation that I am going through. By talking with her I understand what is Hun feeling. Hun just want to move on, because at one point she just know that we were never meant for each other. Yet in the back of her mind, there is always a place for me in her heart. Hun know that I am probably a good guy, and a great lover, she dont want me to get hurt, and there is probably someone better for me out there. Its just that she don't seems to match with me to spent a life time together. And what hurts the most is that Hun make the decision yet I am still linger on.

As for me I am just going to focus on TODAY, in the present and make the best of it. I will not let the past drag me down, nor the future take hold of my path. Though in my heart I will always a special place for Hun. Perhaps this is a challenge or a test by the Goddess of love. To see if our love can withstand the turmoil of relationship. If it is, our bond will be stronger and more fulfilling. If its not then its wasn't meant to be.

In my mind, right now our stage of relationship is like 2 person mountain climbing in the winter snow up the highest mountain. Both of us are tied together by an unbreakable rope of fate. Our goal is to reach the top of the mountain. Though right now, She had given up, and its up to me to bear both of our weight and move on. I will not stop, stand still, and cry or weep because she had given up. No, I will fight this feeling of loneliness, bitterness and coldness until one day she regained her strength to find a new partner. But that's okay, because I was fortunate enough to found someone like her, though only brief moment together. Yet I feels very fulfill and happy for the entire life.

To the world Hun is just one person. But to me, Hun is the whole world.

The desert only rain one time out of many years, even life time. I was lucky enough to experience the miracle. Believe in it for I have seen it, Lightning does strike twice, so I will live on and hope for it till I grow old and die.

Rain

~Rain~ by Phong

"Heaven outpouring down
every droplets of tears
Promise thousands of blossoms"


Tonight at work I heard the sound of something strange, something familiar till I realized that it was rain. The sound of rain being projected by a powerful wind against the roof of the building. As I pay close attention to the outside, I began to hear the wind howl and the tree grow. Its as if the gods had felt my unease heart pain and share their sympathy. Its 1am and I am leaving work, as I get on the freeway during the storm driving cautiously at 50mph I began to notice there is only me on the freeway, there was so much rain that my windshield wiper could not keep up at max speed. Then I notice a yellow blinking lights in the middle of the freeway. I got concern so I decrease the speed to be safe. Just as I close enough I stepped on the Break very hard. Just barely enough cuz there was a car flipped over right in the middle of the freeway, while 2 other cars crashed on both side, left and right. Just up a head theres 2 car stopped that try to help the people who's at the incident. So I put down my phone and decided not to dial 911 since there is 2 car already helped. I began to drive home extra cautiously at 30-40mph.

Other than that today I began to do things that made me feels good about myself.
Clean the house, then clean my room.
Exercise, work hard till 1am
Read 5 chapters of the book 48 laws of Power
enjoy reading poetry during break at work.
And visit Hu'n because I know she was feeling heartbreak and lonely
I was too busy focus on building our future that left her alone feeling unappreciated and unlove. Its must have been why I've feels lonely and hurt as well. I just hope that she forgive me because I don't want to lose a best friend, a good cook, a lover or my soul mate.

dear journal, I hope to write everyday because sometime if we don't write we tend to think all the years had gone by was boring and filled with emptiness. But by writing each day, I think I can capture a spec of happiness during those lonely days.