This freedom of information world where social life and personal information is available to view by anyone. In this case, the person who I love is no longer want to be with me. My love and caring for her still remained. Is it wrong to look at her social life? I know it bothering to her that I would check up on her to see how's she's doing. Where does the line draw between caring for someone and invading their personal space? I don't make judgement on see'n her happy enjoying the moments. I actually feels glad that she's happy. Though it does bothering me to see other guys chasing her. This jealousy is what made me human. And its hurt me greatly to know that I love her so much and she would not return her love. Silly me, silly love, like a child, I am so selfish.
All my happiness moment, all my sadness, how I am doing, I still shares with her. Always welcome with open arm. Yet she remained close, not sharing a thing with me. Is it because she had drawn a line so that she cannot hurt me anymore by caring for me? Is this her way of telling me she still love me? She know that she had hurt me a lot, and don't want to hurt me any more by not expressing her joy and sorrow? Yet I wish she do so....
This thing, this love...I can no longer say its good or bad. All I known is that I still want to be a part of her life. This gives me hope, and a chance of believing that if I waited out long enough, always be there, always supporting her in whatever choice, some day she'll feels for what I've done and maybe see that I am the diamond that she's looking for always with her. While she collecting rocks, one that she does not have.
Sometime I wonder if in previous life she had love me like the way I do, and this is my repent for all that she had done for me in my past life. What ever it is, its beyond my control. I do my best to be as comfortable as possible whenever I am near her. But my heart keep beating so fast, screaming out for her that she felt unease.
Why do I keep pushing her away with my love? Is it because of my "want" is it too much for a boy to ask a girl to love him?
I know i've messed up so many chances she had given me, yet I kept ask for more and more and still I could not make it perfect. Each time doing so I hurt us more. She given me hope, that I can be a better person, a more loving person. She given me strength co conquer all pain. This pain I must learn to be happy with, because there will be more and more. I don't want to collapse now and give up, because each time I do so, my heart bleed and get stronger. Someday I want to shows her my true strong heart that could never get hurt. Its will be filled with trust for all the time she cause doubt and I still bear through it. Hope for all the time when all lights goes out. Faithfulness for all the time she been with other people. And understanding, for many times she made me confused in our relationship.
With each cuts and bruise, I will heal. Devoted my life to worship a goddess that forever hold my heart. Let everything I do be forgiving in the final day where I am being judge. For they are done out of love.
Right now things may appear beyond repair, beyond words can reach her. However, I believe in the goodness of every bad thing. So I am thanksful for this insecure, lonely, bitterness, and heartache. Let my clouds of doubt and fear be vanish. I pray each day so that my thoughts and feelings reach her heart. I wish she be the person that's happy with herself. Chasing her dream, and have many friends supporting her.
All in all, just thinks of me when u feel sadness or happiness, for my thoughts always wish to be near you.
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